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Post by midori on Feb 16, 2008 4:52:46 GMT -5
To EdwardsGirl; Does your town really not have a Hot Topic? That's just crazy! I wish I was able to keep my originality in a town of conformists. . .I have a feeling that I'd be one of the first to fall.
Once again. . .my next post; Hopelessness. . .right now that would be the word that describes me the best. I have realized that in the I shouldn't expect anything from anyone unless I also expect to be disappointed. "Promises are made to be broken". Never thought that I'd agree with that one more than right now. . . I make promises to people and myself and I keep them, but it seems like when other people make them to me, they are always broken. . . Jason promised he would "Always be there for me". . . He said that we would always be friends and that we would graduate together and then we'd be friends throughout college and all that. . .but now, he's moving and I won't see him. . . It really hurts to think about that, but I won't ever let anyone see that. . .
In my health class we're learning about "stress". . . Well, I've recently acquired the knowledge that I live one of the most "stressful" lives out there and while I should be a total wreck, I handle the stress really well. I told this to my friend and she said that my health class was wrong. She said. . . "They think that you handle stress really well? Well then, they don't know you. . . You don't 'handle' stress, you forget about the thing that made you stressed out in the first place. . . When things go wrong, you don't 'deal' with them, you just pretend like it doesn't bother you. . ."
That got me thinking. . . Is she right? Do I really not deal with stress? I guess my whole life is a lie. . . I pretend that I'm okay, and when appropriate that "my life couldn't get any better", but it's all a lie. I have so many problems, but I'm supposed to be the one that has it all figured out, the one that is supposed to know where they're going in life. People expect great things from me, and I can't let them down. I can't tell them that I'm having problems, or it will make them see me differently and that I don't want to happen. I wear a mask, and I'm afraid to take it off. . . I'm afraid to be myself for the fear that the real me won't be accepted.
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Post by kakakakatie on Feb 19, 2008 18:20:02 GMT -5
I'm really sorry about your friend Jason. That has happened to me a few times before. It's sad but life goes on. I'm sorry if that sounds mean but I am trying to say how it happened for me. 3 of my BEST FRIENDS have moved far, far away from NJ. (Well, 2 of them) They have moved to Cali., Flordia and north Jersey<the north part of New Jersey, but here in NJ we say south and north jersey..idk why though...>. If you believe that you are wearing a mask, I guess everyone else is too. I have the same problems, where people expect great things from me and only my closest friends know about my problems, but there are STILL things I'm afraid to tell them because of how I'm afraid they'll take it. I have an idea for you. Inhale. Exhale. Laugh at something. Your life isn't a lie, you just don't let people on to things. Alot of people do that. When your life gets stressful you should step outside for a second. Breathe some fresh air. But if your at school you should ask to go to the bathroom. In the hallway it should be quiet so close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Count to 10 when inhaling, before exhaling. This helps with stress alot. I hope things get better for you.
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Post by BloodyLittleMinx on Feb 19, 2008 22:19:40 GMT -5
i understand what you meen. only the people who have never met me such as you know how i really am. wierd about the stress though. i think you deal with it, but with some help. like maybe me, or even a book or something. you need to talk, i'll be here. ready to listen.
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Post by midori on Mar 15, 2008 4:22:10 GMT -5
Hey you guys. . . I know I haven't been updating very often and I'm really sorry about that, but I've been trying. I thought everything would get better if I moved back to Washington, but it has only been getting worse. . . My life has seemed to fall apart. Everything that means anything to me is dwindling on a thin line and I don't know how to save myself from me. . .
I've never been one to even consider suicide as an option, but recently my life has been like nothing. I don't mean to offend anyone by writing this and I'm really sorry for writing this, but I don't know what else to do. . . My mom seams to be miserable, and while I know it's not my fault I can't help but to feel some of the blame. I've just been feeling hopeless more than ever. . . I need my mom, but to tell people that would only hurt both my friends and my mom. . .
I figure that I'm really not going to do anything because committing suicide is more wrong than anything that I could do for I wouldn't have to be the one to live with my decision. . . I'm just feeling really down right now and I just need to vent. . . Haha, venting. . .that seems to be all that I do in my journal. I'm sorry about that too and I wouldn't blame you if you decided to not read anymore. . .
I'm really sorry that I'm sounding very emo right now, but I'm okay, just feeling very apathetic to the world. Like nothing matters anymore, but I can't do anything to change that so why try? People tell me to talk about how I'm feeling, but I don't know how. . . I don't know how to tell people that I'm not "okay" and that I actually have human "problems". . . They tell me it's not good for me to keep it inside, but I don't see how it could possibly be good for them to worry about me. . .
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Post by sam on Mar 21, 2008 21:08:22 GMT -5
Ah, I see. My advice would be to express yourself. I always talk to my mom about how I feel, to let her understand, and if it wasn't for that I would explode! if you let all this pent up depression, stress, whatever build up inside you its not going to help at least it doesn't help for me. You see, I would vent to your mom explain things, help her undrstand, but in a way where she will be there for you. My mom is thee advice giver. I turn to her for everything. I also would (this must sound lame...) look at the better side of things. be optimistic. Try to be positive and relieve some of that pressure. Sometimes you just have to cry, and (not being mean) it may help. From what I have read it appears that you NEED someone to express your feelings to. Someone close to you.And that's okay because when you do then they will actually be able to help you and give advice to you better than anyone else because they know you best and love you.
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Post by londonmarie on Mar 22, 2008 2:35:47 GMT -5
or just writing it down. i've considered suicide and almost made an attempt. for me reading and writing help A LOT!
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Post by midori on Mar 29, 2008 6:12:23 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice. . . I guess it might help to talk to someone, but who? You say someone that I can trust, but I don't trust people to easily, and my parents, I can't talk to them about this stuff. The saw me as there "normal" one, the one without the problems and I've been doing everything I can to uphold that image. I've been so active in school that it kind of makes me forget, but that only makes the times when I have to think even worse.
I don't have my "Dad" in my life anymore, and my Mom is in California. I have my friends Mom, but when I came up to live with them, I know she wasn't expecting an emotional wreck that has taken over me. I don't really know what she was thinking, but I know that she isn't one that I could trust. She already thinks I'm part crazy for choosing Washington over California, and if I give her a reason to think that I might be "depressed" she'll probably take me to a therapist, and that therapist will just judge me before they even know me.
If I'm wrong by making that assumption, please dont' be mad. I'm just going off of what I've witnessed. What has happened with every adult I try to talk to. My school counselor is worried about me. Even some of my teachers are noticing changes as well, even though I try to hide them. Them noticing will not make anything different, it will just make me drown out the "real" me, the one that they don't expect to see.
As for the other advice. . . I do write. . . Quite a lot actually. It seems to help on a day to day basis, but I never know how long that feeling is going to last. Writing poetry is my favorite, or I'll just write about my day. . . Or about "him".
People have said once that "It's only High School", and I guess I can see there logic to a point. They seem to think that if we can only make it through these four years, than we'll be fine. But what happens when you leave High School and you feel the same way, if not worse than how you felt? I think that I might lose some of my friends. . . I'll never tell them that, but everytime we get together, it seems like I'm more and more distant from what they're talking about. I left for 3 months and it seems like I missed a lot of stuff that I'll never be able to make up for. . .
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Post by sam on Mar 29, 2008 19:56:10 GMT -5
Well, I understand what you mean. But have you tried to actually explain things to your mom? Or to your friends, but in a way where they will understand? A therapist I don't think will automatically judge you. I have been to one and he was nice and he only tried to understand me. I don't believe a therapist would judge you; not at all if they judged people then they aren't the greatest therapist then. What people DON'T like about therapist is the fact that they narrow down the persons faults or problem, and sometimes people don't want to hear that rather than just being listened to. I am not trying to sound harsh or mean, but I am trying to give advice as best as I can. And if you told someone you trust then I find it will help you. All I can say is take some time to focus on how you are feeling and how it is affecting YOU opposed to how it affects others.
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Post by kakakakatie on May 5, 2008 18:58:41 GMT -5
You should try to express yourself in every way you can. Paint, write, dance, sing, whatever you feel like at the moment. What works VERY well for me is keeping a notebook in my purse and whenever something bothers me, i write down my feelings and what I would like the outcome of the problem to be. After I write, I usually feel better, but you also shouldn't let any problems build with family or friends. You should let them know how you feel, so they know whats up and can try to help. Believe me, from my own experiences, letting problems build is one of the WORST things you can do. Also only go to a therapist if YOU are comftorable with it. About a year ago my family was basically falling apart and my life was basically awful. My mom MADE me go to a therapist. I didn't want to go most of the time and the woman who would talk with me made me so mad. Most of the time she just said "Well, how does that make you feel?" I ended up smashing a card house I was making, and throwing a pillow at her head...I also have minor anger problems, so that might only apply to me. Anyway I just want to let you know that if you need help, or just need someone to spill everything to you should probably tell your CLOSEST friend that you would trust with your life. Even if they are on the other side of the world, they will understand and talk to you.
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