Midori's Journal-PG 13

[midori]

The idea of a public journal kind of reminds me of
blogging. Well here goes nothing. . .

I haven't been having an amazing day, no I woke
up to some very bad news.
My mother called me and said that it was time
for me to come home to California.
For the past couple weeks I've been in Washington visiting
both family and friends, but now I'm back in the
little town of Rocklin.
I guess I would consider it my personal hell. . .

I don't know what I'll get out of this journal, but as for now, I'm
trying to deal with my depressing life. . .
Can anyone help?

[BloodyLittleMinx]

Well i am not sure what i can do even though i live in ca myself. if i'm going to help though i have to ask what is so bad about home? anything you would feel ok with telling me? I can help but i can't solve a problem i know nothing about.

[midori]

Today was my first day back at
Whitney High School since Dec. 21st,
or something like that. . .

Our new semester has just begun and I feel
myself feeling more lonely during the school
day than ever before.
The people are nice and I even have
people I would consider my friend, but I
find myself missing Washington even more than
before and I wish I was there.

I don't want to offend anyone, but I still am
not comfortable with the California thing. . .
I want to go home, even if it's to rainy old
Washington. I prefer the rain and cold
to the unbearable hot and sunny.
This reminds of this anonymous quote I once read
"Whoever said that with sunshine comes happiness
had never danced in the rain"

I miss having sunny days as a treat. . .
I miss all the cold weather. . .
I just want to go home. . .

[BloodyLittleMinx]

we can talk anytime. cangrats on being a junior member, i am too!
i've lived in CA for a while but besides that i know what you mean how you miss it being a treat. i love the rain and i miss it here.

[midori]

To EdwardsGirl:
Thank you. . .
I'm glad to know that there is someone I can talk to.
Yes we are finally Junior Members! I'm so happy!

My Next Posting:
Today I went to school again, but I didn't expect it to be as bad as it was. . .
First I went to Chemistry, and realized I had no idea what
was happening in the class.
Then I went to History and while I love the
Subject, the class was really boring in my opinion.
The next period was horrible. . .
Today I quit ROTC, and while I did love it back in
Washington, I can't put up with it anymore. . .
That program is supposed to be for future leaders, and everyone
seems to think that I'm amazing at it, but I can't put up
with all the drama. Everyone in JROTC probably knows what I'm
talking about.
After that, I had to go to math and I just got news
that I am officially failing Algebra 2.
When I first moved here (3 weeks before the end of the semester) I had
a high B almost A in my math class, and then everything just
went WRONG.
I don't understand what is going on. . . and I still just
want to go back home. I know what my grades would be really
good, but I don't want to hurt my mom.
Well I'm still hanging in there and I've decided that
it doesn't matter how I feel at school, it doesn't decide
what the rest of my life will be like. . . right?

[BloodyLittleMinx]

right. i hate school just as much as you do along with the town. although i think having friends here helps a lot. we're junior members! and we can talk anytime.

[midori]

Well, for once I got some good news today. . .
My finals for second semester take place on June 2, and June 3.
That is right on time for me to be able to take a plane
and make it back to Washington on June 5, and in time to
make it to my friend's graduation!
I'm so happy about that. I thought that I wouldn't
be able to go back in time, but I can, so I was feeling pretty
good about that.

I also tried to do some of my homework today.
I got slammed on Friday, but thankfully I was
able to complete my Chemistry, History, and most
of my Algebra.
I really don't like my Algebra class, but the stupid
school won't let me switch out, talk about lame!

Well, I don't know what else to say, I get to start Role Playing as
Jasper in the Cullen House today.
Alcyone Personal Messaged me and said I could.

Also To anyone who reads this. I'm Alice in Forks High School and I'm
kind of by myself right now. It would be nice if someone stepped in.
"hint hint". No if you don't want to you don't have to
but it would be nice.

Last but not least to my dear friend EdwardsGirl,
Thank you so much for asking me to chat a couple days ago!
I'm so happy I met you and you do brighten up my day.
Congratulations on getting full membership and I guess
I'll see you around!

[BloodyLittleMinx]

Thanks. Am i like i miniscule version of jacob and his sunniness? also i'm edward in the school and esme in cullen house. see ya

[midori]

To EdwardsGirl:
Yes, I guess you are like a Jacob. . .
You helped me when I was broken.
Also Thank you for finally jumping in as Edward
in Fork's High School. I really was getting sick
of the whole "monologue" thing.

Now to my posting:
Well as you know, I am excited about being able to
make it back for graduation. That makes me more happy
than almost anything obtainable in this world.
I also got some more news today that made me somewhat
happy. . .
My Mom is letting me go back to Washington for my Senior
year in high school. I'll be able to graduate with all of my friends!
I'm now counting down the weeks to June 3. I believe that it is 20.
Yes tomorrow it will be exactly 20 weeks until June 3, that makes
me so happy, but in a way I'm scared.

I'm scared that within the next 5 months, I'll change, I won't be
the girl who left Washington, I won't be me?
I'm really scared that by being away from them will change me, and
our friendship won't be the same. But I think what scares
me most of all is that I'll grow attached to California.
Right now that seems like the farthest thing from happening, but
I can't help but wonder about how I'll feel in 5 months. Will I still
like the same things? Will my friends still like me?
I don't want to change, but I have a feeling it will happen no matter
what. I don't want to lose the people who mean so much to me. . .

I don't know if I can do this. . .
I don't know if I can keep living like this.
Wanting to be in Washington more than ever, but still
stuck in California. I know how much me moving back
to Washington will hurt my Mom, but I need her to realize
that I'm not doing this to hurt her, I'm doing this because
I have to in order to save me. . .
I don't think she'll ever understand how I truly feel. She may be
able to sympathize with me, but never empathize. She just doesn't
know how I feel and I don't know if I want to keep it that way. I don't
want to tell her how much it hurt me that she made me move
here for the reason that she caused why I feel so depressed lately.

I love my Mom and that is why I will never tell her everything
I have written in this journal.

[BloodyLittleMinx]

Well, i know how you feel. i left my friends since second grade to move to the Dullsville of my life, San Luis Obispo. I also know that if they are true friends they WILL still love you no matter what. i have changed and they still except me. here i am ostracised and labeled as the freak but with them i can be me. no matter what. i truly hope for your sake hun, that your friends can except you back the way you are. Wonderful in my opinion. and i wasn't really serious about the whole jacob thing but it's nice to hear anyway.

[midori]

To EdwardsGirl:
Well thank you, it's good to know that it is possible for
me.
Oh and about the Jacob thing. . .
I feel like a retard now, but everything I said was true,
so your welcome. . . I guess?

Now to my next posting:
So what did I do today. . .
I was on fan fiction today and I was reading one
called "Descendants". In my opinion it is one of the most
interesting ones out there right now.
(No offense to anyone who is an author).
I couldn't stop reading it, and now I can't
wait to continue with it. . .
I guess I could keep rambling on about what
other stories I've read, but there's another thread
for that, so I won't waste your time.

Today I was in my health class and I was taking to
the guy I sit next to. . .
(Don't know his name. . . feel really bad. . . please don't judge me).
and he was telling me about how his cousin from
WASHINGTON was coming to live with us.
I thought that was pretty awesome and I think that the guy is
pretty cool. I mean he's just so funny, and I can keep a conversation going
with him.
Also in my health class, I was talking to this guy about why
I quit JROTC, here are my reasons;
1. I was planning on quitting anyway, even if I had stayed at my
old school I would've quit, it was just inevitable. . . It would've happened
either way.
2. I can't go through another JROTC unit and be disappointed again. . .
my last unit failed me and I wasn't happy. The only
reason I stayed was because my friend's were in the program.
3. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm not staying in California for my
Senior year, so I didn't want to stay and get attached. I didn't want to
want to stay. I really want to go home and nothing will ever be able
to change that.

All he had to say was "You didn't even give our unit a chance. . ."
Now I feel like a retard, and a hypocrite. I did judge them before I really
got to know them, and if I had actually tried, I probably would've been
able to enjoy myself in they're unit, but I didn't and now I have to pay
the consequences. . .

Oh well, I'm gonna go mope now.
I've screwed a lot of things up lately and I just
need to think. . .
Maybe sleep some too.

[BloodyLittleMinx]

No worries about the Jacob thing, I was partially wondering. and no need to feel like a retard, heres what i do when forget someones name whose i really should know, I say, "Ello love, I'm ..... nice to meet you." In my best british impression they usaually laugh and go along but if it doesn't ask someone else.

[midori]

To EdwardsGirl,
Well, your whole "Ello love," is a brilliant idea,
if only I could pull off a British accent. . .
I think I'll just go and ask someone, the kid who sits
behind me seems pretty nice, maybe I'll ask him. . .
Well, anyways, thank you for being a really good friend, and
were both in a clan now! Yay!
Congratulations on that as well.

On to my next posting:
Well, today was going good for the first half,
then I made the awful mistake of asking my Mom,
"Why I had to stay in California?".
Why does me staying 'til June make a difference?
She got all mad and defensive, acting like I was choosing
my friends over her. I don't know how to tell her
that I'm not choosing my friends, I'm choosing the life I want.
I don't want her out of my life, I just want to be somewhere
that doesn't have me wishing I were dead.

How do I tell my mom, that I love her and I always will, but
I hate the place she has chosen to move me to?
I don't want to hurt my mom, but staying here hurts
me. I don't want her to feel like I'm choosing someone over her,
I'm not making a choice, I want her in my life, I just
wish that. . .
I don't even know what I wish anymore.

I'm lost, I find myself wishing that I was someone else,
almost everyday. . .
I've made a few friends since I've moved to California,
and even though I am very thankful for them, I still
wish that I was in Washington, where everything was going
right, and I had the life I wanted.
I want to go back to Washington, where even though it is
rainy and windy, it's my home.

I'm sorry, this post is starting to sound like a lot of
complaining, and I don't want to be that person anymore.
Maybe I should just let go of Washington, and all hopes of having
the life I had there ever again.
I miss Washington a lot, but for right now, I'm in California and
there is nothing I can do about that.

[BloodyLittleMinx]

Don't worry. If you need to complain go ahead. I'll listen or read... you know what i mean.
Thanks, I think your a great friend too. And if your friends are cool like you say they are i know they agree with me.

[midori]

To EdwardsGirl,
Thank you once again, for always being here
whenever I need to just vent. . .
You're amazing, and a very good friend.
I hope you're right about my friends in Washington, but
sometimes I just wonder. . .
Well anyways, I'm really glad that I met you and
that we became really good friends.
Thank You!

Once again. . .
My next Posting:

Well first I'd like to start this posting off with telling everyone that
I have finally recruited someone!
Yes, she is one of my friends from Washington, and her "online" name is
"Yukiko". She is a really amazing person if you get to know her.
So if you so happen to stumble upon my journal, I'd like to say
"WELCOME".
Well, in other news, my day was pretty "crappy".
I went to school, and once again put my "mask" on. Or at least
that is what I feel like I'm doing while I'm there.
I feel like my life is the big charade, where if I let anyone in then
I will end up getting hurt again.

I'm really scared of growing up. . .
I want more than ever to just make my own decisions and
choose my own path, but I'm scared that in a couple years, when I'm
an adult and out in the world on my own, I won't feel as connected
with my friends as I do now.
I was talking to my friend the other night and she was talking about
how "we" are going to college together and how when we're older we're
going to have kids and how they'll be best friends just like we are. . .
Everything she was saying, was just so unreal that I was dazed for a few
minutes.

I didn't want to tell her, that while I really do want to go to college
with her, I don't want her to feel like I'm holding her back.
You know how we have friends that are just amazing and they're really good,
but you know that they can be "GREAT"?
Well, she's that kind of friend to me. . .
I know that I can get into all the colleges that she wants to attend, but
I don't know if me attending that college with her, is what is best for her.

I don't want to lost my friendship with her, and I know that if she
was to ever read this, she'd probably get really offended, but I can't help
it. I just have this feeling that "I'm no good for her".
Did you ever get that feeling? Like when you're there, somehow you are the
one causing her light to dim?
I don't know anymore. . .
I love my friend, but I just don't know what I should do. . .